How to Deal With a Breakup

The healthy way.

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I remember going through a breakup years ago, and unfortunately, I had lost a lot of my close friends during this same period of my life. Therefore, I was EXTREMELY lonely to say the least. My confidence was at an all time low and I just felt completely lost in life.

I didn’t have someone in my life to walk me through this painful experience and, therefore, I looked to the next best thing: YouTube. I’m kind of joking here of course, but I did assume that there would be at least someone on the platform that would help guide me. 

However, I couldn’t find anything that 1) resonated with my situation and 2) was a healthy approach. Especially considering that second point, there certainly were many individuals out there willing to give their two cents, but I found much of it to be very toxic and not aligning with my value system.

Even during the lowest point of my life, I recognized that those advice were not healthy solutions, and I didn’t want to put myself in a situation where I would regret my behaviors in the future.

Since there were no resources available to me, I decided to deal with the situation on my own, and although I made a ton of mistakes, I learned a lot too.

Does everyone handle trauma differently? Absolutely. However, I also believe there are commonalities across the board in terms of mistakes and mindset shifts, and if I can at least make you aware of some of them, I believe it would put you in an advantageous position as you begin your healing journey. 

So, let’s get right into it.

It was not just a “waste of your time”.

This is probably the most common mindset that people adopt coming out of a relationship with the following line of thinking:

“I just spent the last 3 years with this person and because there is nothing to show for it and the relationship didn’t pan out as I hoped, it was a complete disaster. I regret everything I did. I was so stupid. I hate myself for not knowing better. It was just a BIG WASTE OF MY TIME.”

Although common, this is a very unhealthy and self-destructive mindset to have especially during such a vulnerable point in your life. You are essentially blaming your past self with the knowledge that you have now, and that couldn’t be more unfair to your past self. Your past self did the very best they could do with the information and wisdom they had. 

Did they make mistakes? Sure, but that doesn’t make them a bad person or a stupid one, it makes them human. YOU ARE HUMAN. Mistakes happen but it is your responsibility as someone that wants to be their best self to extract from all situations–good and bad. 

You need to view your past relationship not as a waste of time, but an incredible learning opportunity. The only way that it could be considered a waste is if you do not evolve. In other words, if you are the same person before, during, and after that relationship, then it may be considered a waste, but at that point you have much bigger issues than just a broken heart. 

If you are a part of this community, I know that you are one to take responsibility for your current situation, whether it was your fault or not, and move forward in a healthy manner so continue reading!

It’s okay to not be okay.

Actually, it is necessary. This is probably the biggest difference between my approach and the approach of many others. The common advice you hear is to get your close guy friends or girlfriends and go clubbing, drinking, and meeting new people. The idea here is to distract you from the pain and get over your ex by (being blunt) getting underneath someone else. 

These people that give you this advice are also probably the ones claiming that time magically heals so it’s okay to keep distracting you from the pain until it vanishes. This could not be more horrible advice in my opinion.

If you listen to their advice, I bet a year removed from the situation, and someone mentions your ex in conversation or you see your ex in person, all those painful emotions will come flooding back. Why? Because you never actually took the time to process your emotions so you never healed. You just got really good at blocking out the pain, but that can only hold up for so long and eventually this will hold you back someway somehow in the future.

Men are notoriously bad at processing their emotions (this was me too). There was a study that came out that showed women experienced more pain emotionally and physically coming out of a relationship than the men did. However, most of the men were never fully able to heal whereas the women were able to. The researchers had really good reasons to believe this was because the women were more willing to feel the full intensity and depth of the pain, while the men masked and pushed forward. 

This behavior aligns with my own experiences and observations. Therefore, I really believe it is essential to know that it is okay to not be okay right now and fully embrace all the emotions you are feeling. Scream into your pillow, listen to sad music, rant to your friends—whatever you need to do, do it. 

Stop waiting for closure.

I understand many relationships unfortunately end without everything being said. Especially if you are the one that got hurt, then it makes complete sense that you would want a level of accountability from your ex. You would want them to say something along the lines of,

“What I did was completely wrong. I don’t know what I was thinking and I hate that I hurt you. I feel so guilty and I will have to live with that guilt for the rest of my life. I am so sorry.”

This would be incredible to get, but you don’t need it. Don’t get that twisted. You do not need it.

The more you wait for them to meet you up in person or to answer your calls and take full accountability, the more power you are giving them. You are halting any progress forward in your healing journey because of their lack of human decency. Whether or not your ex decides to be a good human being is their problem and has nothing to do with you.

Yes, it sucks. I know. But we will not give your ex anymore power. You do not need their validation to feel the pain. You know exactly how it felt to be broken into pieces, so have some respect for your future self and begin the healing journey now.

Pro tip.

For those that cannot get closure or don’t have a good support system around you that you can share such intimate pain with, I highly suggest you begin writing your thoughts down. As trivial as this may sound, it is such a powerful method to get everything out of your system.

You can treat this as a letter to your ex so pour out all the emotions that you have bottled up inside you. Being able to have this written down on an external source allows you to regain clarity as you actively organize the clutter inside your head. 

Remove triggers.

I actually think it is harder now than ever to get over a breakup fully because of the element of social media. You have access to your ex’s life whenever you want it, but that can be a very dangerous position to put yourself in.

If you decide to continue following your ex, I guarantee the following will happen. Your ex will reshare a post on their story and it will have another person in it. That person could very well be their second cousin you were never introduced to, but you won’t know that. All you know is that there is someone with their arm around your ex and your mind will GO CRAZY. 

You will begin overthinking and feeling insecure as all these negative emotions pour into you. Have some respect for yourself and do not even put yourself in a situation to be exposed to that in the first place.

Your goal right now is to expand your perspective on the world to things outside of your ex, but the more you expose yourself to those situations, the more you shrink your perspective on the world back onto your ex. 

This doesn’t only apply to social media posts of course. You should not have that teddy bear your ex got you, or your ex’s clothes, or any pictures or photos on your phone. You should remove those triggers immediately as well.

I won’t lie to you and tell you that it will be easy to do this, but I promise you your future self will thank you for taking that first step.

Reclaim certain triggers.

I understand not all triggers can be removed that easily. For example, if both of you lived in the same city, then certain streets, restaurants, parks, and shops will remind you of your ex, but it isn’t fair to you to just never experience those things ever again. Therefore you need to begin the process of reclaiming those places by making enough new memories that will ultimately create new associations.

What do I mean by this? Let’s use the park as an example. You would take your closest friends to the park and your only goal is to have a good time, smile, make jokes, laugh, have a picnic, play sports, compete with board games, etc. 

At first this will be difficult without a doubt as you will be reminded of your ex. Be assured that this is okay and a part of the process. The more memories you create, the stronger that new association will be and then you will ultimately be able to reclaim those places. 

I thought this was an important caveat to add, because I understand that triggers for many of you go way beyond just those texts or stuffed animals. It could literally be your entire hometown, and the thought that you may never be able to enjoy anything again can be so isolating and suffocating.

If this is you, I just want you to know that it is possible to reclaim with a little patience. I promise you. Don’t lose hope!

Being alone doesn’t have to be lonely. 

After having processed all the emotions initially, it is your responsibility to begin your self improvement journey with the new time, energy, and space that will be available to you. Pursue the passions and skills that you have always wanted to develop. Actually listen to that voice inside you calling you to be a photographer, artist, social media creator, entrepreneur, scientist, whatever it is, and go for it full force. 

Although it may not feel like it right now, this breakup could be a blessing in disguise for you as you begin this endeavor of becoming the highest version of yourself. You will have the most fun, adventure, and joy that you have ever experienced getting to know yourself better. By getting to know what it is that you actually want in life, you will discover a level of clarity that makes you so attractive to others in the business place, your social life, and romantically.

You will become the magnet in which like-minded people come to gather and grow. It will be a beautiful thing. You have my word. I believe in you.

- Jun Yuh